A slow decline before a precipitous fall...

And then a revival.

(This is a continuation of a blog posted at MySpace.)

I kinda got carried away this Labor Day Weekend. Friday night, I set up my apartment for a photo shoot. Saturday, I figured everything was still out, so I might as well take more pictures. Sunday, I was busy. No pictures. Monday, I didn't have to go into work until 5pm, so getting up at 9, I decided I had time for a few more pics.

And tonight, I look around, and my apartment looks like a Goodwill truck overturned.And I'm tempted to get dolled up for yet more pictures.

And why not? It's been seven months since I got dressed. It can be expected that when one pens something up, it'll come roaring back.So, that raises the question: Where have I been?

(That's from the MySpace blog. The deeper stuff starts now.)

About a year ago, I attended my first Southern Comfort Convention. I drank too much each night I was there, and was hungover each day, so I missed pretty much every seminar. I also met a lot of people, and instantly forgot many of them.

The day of the swimming pool party, I awoke to find myself feeling vaguely out of sorts. I wandered around the lobby for much of the day, but it seemed like no-one was around. Everyone was in the seminars, (most of which were TS oriented), or at the pool party. Eventually, I made my way to the pool, and my uncomfortableness was only intensified.

Yeah, I was jealous of the full-time girls, whether or not they were "hot". (There were a few who did look fantastic, and a few others who... well, shall we just say, I admired them for being comfortable in their own bodies.) I could have brought a swimsuit and joined in the fun, but I'm not comfy with my physique. Granted, I lost a lot of weight over the course of the previous year, but, that wasn't the only thing that bothered me.

I wanted to be smaller, as in shorter. I wanted to have narrower shoulders. I wanted to have a smaller face. Be less hairy. Summing up, I really started to despise being manly. (Which is not to say I'm incredibly macho.)

Generally, I'm happy with being a guy. I'm not transsexual. I'm pretty sure of that. But I didn't feel like I fit in at all at SCC and specifically at the pool party.

And it's not just the physique: It's the whole social standing. Being a simple crossdresser feels so shallow sometimes. While TS's are talking about hormones and laser, coming out to family, and fears about job security, all I can contribute to a conversation is talk about clothes and photos. (Heh, that's ironic.)

It's as if TS's are adults, and as a crossdresser, I'm stuck in adolescence. And I don't like feeling shallow and simple. But, as they say, "college isn't for everyone", so if to "graduate" and grow, I have to go full-time, I'd rather skip even community college and stay in junior high. (How's that metaphor grab ya?)

But what to do? I can't stay in this arrested development forever, can I?

Okay, overstretched the metaphor, and probably insulted a few people in the process. But I don't know where else to go with all of this: this vacation from dressing was kind of nice, because it allowed me to rediscover some of the simple pleasures. And I do have some very intelligent crossdressing friends with whom I can have intelligent conversations. But, a deep conversation on many CD topics is still in shallow waters.

(Watch for the conclusion to this line of thought at TGForum.)

Is this on?

My fellow Americans, I've just signed legislation that will outlaw the Soviet Union...

Wait. What?

Yeah, it feels like I haven't blogged since '91. But, I've been busy.

Okay, uninterested is more like it. But now, the Beast is starting to rattle the bars of her cage. And while it may be just her snoring that's making the bars shake, it's something. After months of hibernation, she's showing signs of life.

But here's the irony. This weekend is already packed. And Sunday, my folks come for a visit. And next weekend is packed. And the weekend after that? I'm going camping. So, if I do roust her, it won't be for almost another month. Figures, huh?

So, why did she lay down and slip into a coma? Well, that's complicated. Dunno if I want to get into it right here and now. So, instead, I'll update you on what's been going on over the last seven months:

I joined Twitter. http://twitter.com/ronnierho
I started seeing someone.
Went to my 20th high school reunion.
Went to Pride. In boy mode.
Put on a few pounds.
Drank a lot. A lot.
Watched a lot of movies on Netflix.
Read a couple of books.
Agreed to let friends shoot part of a movie in my apartment.
Won a few awards at work.
Didn't get laid off.
Hit a deer in a rented Mustang convertable.
Forgot how to spell "convertible"
Ran part of a marathon. (Not a very big part.)
Re-arranged my living room.
Re-rearranged my living room for the movie crew.
Cleaned the toliet.

And so it goes.

Southern Comfort, behind the scenes...

This month, an interview with one of the driving forces behind SCC. Meet Cat Turner at the Ronnie Rho Show.

Where the hell have I been?

(Oh, like you care.)

Well, there's been the whole Netflix thing, and then there were a few nights working on the next webisode of the RR Show. And there have been other things, like work, and other social events.

But to be completely honest, I've been depressed. Normally, I don't like to talk about such things publicly, but since the few people who actually followed this in the past are friends, or friend-ish, I might as well spill.

Yes, depressed. Seriously so. I've had no interest in reading other people's blogs, because they are either upbeat, (and that's the last thing a depressed person wants to read), or they're downers, (and that's the second to last thing a depressed person wants to read.)

I could blame the depression on season affectation disorder, or something like that. I haven't been getting a lot of sunshine or exercise. Or it could just be clinical. (If that's different from SAD. I dunno.)

And I could probably find a therapist, but they'd have two courses of action: a happy pill, or let's-talk-about-it.

Happy pills. Not for me. I don't want to be artificially happy. Hell, I don't want to be artificially neutral either. I'd rather feel bad than not feel anything at all. (Thank you Warren Zevon, and the forgotten philosopher who probably originally came up with that line, but whom I've, as mentioned, forgotten.)

Talk about it? Why? Isn't that what friends are for?

Not that I like talking to friends about what bugs me. I don't want to be a whiner, or an energy vampire. And if they let me, which I know they would, they'd get sick of it awfully quickly.

Besides, the parts of life that bring me down are all out of my control. There's nothing talking will do to improve them. I already know there's nothing I can do about them. And that's what depresses me.

I'm lonely. Gawd, am I lonely. It's been over a year since the Mrs. and I split up. She's found someone new. I haven't. Why not? Hell, that's a couple of posts in and of itself. But to sum up, I haven't found someone I'm interested in whose just as interested in me. Oh, I've found a couple of peeps I liked, but they didn't return the feeling. Shot down, again and again. Me not worthy, apparently.

Work goes okay. I'm no longer too worried about getting laid off this year. Matter of fact, work is probably the bright spot in my life. Made some progress in feeling appreciated there.

Many of my other extra-curricular activities, however, seem to be ignored or held in outright contempt by those I'd like to please. Otherwise, the ole' weirdo magnet-effect seems to be operational.

And over the winter, I regained 12 pounds. Yay.

I watched Annie Hall for the first time yesterday, courtesy of NetFlix. (Probably not a good idea to watch Woody Allen movies when one is already depressed.)

Oh, and then there's the ice cream truck that's been circling downtown today. I thought when I moved downtown, I'd escape that torture. No such luck. Out in the 'burbs, I had to deal with the MF's parking right outside my window for 20 minutes or so, playing "Turkey in the Straw" over and over and over and over and over and over... He's followed me here, apparently. Same song, slightly different mix; this one features staccato puppy barks at appropriate points in the song.

Ice cream truck music is particularly bad downtown, just because of the accoustics. And it's not even warm out!

I'm hoping that with sunnier, warmer weather, I'll get out more, get some exercise, lose some weight, etc. Otherwise, I'm just going to keep doing what I've been doing: self-medicating with booze.

That is all.

Some of my favorite albums..

In no particular order:

Pink Floyd's The Wall
Tom Petty: Full Moon Fever
Def Leppard: Hysteria
INXS: Kick
They Might Be Giants: Flood
The Blues Brothers Original Motion Picture Soundtrack
Book of Love: Book of Love
Sting: Dream of the Blue Turtles
Police: Synchronicity
My Life with the Thrill Kill Kult: Sexplosion!
The B-52's: Cosmic Thing
Eric Clapton: Journeyman
Brian Setzer Orchestra: The Dirty Boogie
Dire Straits: Brothers in Arms
Xanadu: Original Motion Picture Soundtrack
Cheap Trick: Unauthorized Greatest Hits
Eurythmics: Sweet Dreams
Depeche Mode: Violator
Say Anything: Original Motion Picture Soundtrack

Yeah, it's heavy on late 80's, early 90's, and soundtrack stuff, but, there you go. Discuss.

I'm not dead. I'm feeling much better!

Two things have kept me busy over the last month. Well, three, actually.

Firstly, I subscribed to Netflix. I got the basic package: 1 DVD through the mail at a time. But, that also includes unlimited Instant Watches. Netflix has a lot of movies I can watch on my desktop. Soooo, I've been catching up on movies I've missed, and reviewing loved ones I haven't seen in a while.

Secondly, for Christmas, my little brother gave me a gift card to iTunes, and I bought the fourth season of Dr. Who. Whoo hoo! So, between the fourth season, (the last for David Tennant), and seasons 1-3 on Netflix, I immersed myself in the latest Time Lord adventures.

Thirdly, when I wasn't watching a movie, or TV show, I was slaving away on the latest episode of the Ronnie Rho Show! (I'll save the behind the scenes discussion for a future blog. But, safe to say, it was major surgery.)

This webisode is special for a number of reasons: it's the first shot on location. The regular crew was left behind, so I had to press a couple of volunteers into service, (not unlike the British Navy grabbing American sailors, during the early 19th Century.). And our guest is the very well known Donna Rose. Donna is, well, maybe I'll spare you the description and let her tell you who she is.
But, anyone who is transgendered, knows someone who's transgendered, and anyone who has wanted to be transgendered, should watch this show.

And if you like it, tell a friend...

Prop 8: The Musical

"Prop 8 - The Musical" starring Jack Black, John C. Reilly, and many more... from Jack Black

If that doesn't work... which it doesn't on my 'puter, try this:

http://www.funnyordie.com/videos/c0cf508ff8/prop-8-the-musical-starring-jack-black-john-c-reilly-and-many-more-from-fod-team-jack-black-craig-robinson-john-c-reilly-and-rashida-jones

Well, I didn't get laid off...

...yet.



Ask me again at the end of July. They cut a few of us today, including I work(ed) with directly. Which is better than I expected. But they also essentially told us: more cuts coming in 7 months.



Yeah, that oughta motivate the troops, considering job performance has played very little into who's gotten the axe over the past 3 years.



Instead of talking about me, and my sad, sorry life, let's talk about the country, and its sad, sorry life. For instance, this:





So, the top story on MSN is "Who is Michelle Obama wearing?" Really? Seriously? That's what it's all about? Who she's wearing? Not even the gramatically correct "what" she's wearing?

I realize MSN, like most online sites post the story that will get the most hits, higher in the queue. So, I don't blame them, other than their expecting that will be what people will be talking about.

His great speech doesn't get top billing? (And I thought it was really good. And I have not drunk the Kool-Aid, to date.) "Restore science to its rightful place"? Fantastic! Respecting the rights of atheists? That doesn't deserve a headline? Reaction to the address? No.

Instead, we're going with the dress the First Lady is wearing and who designed it. Like that matters. (And I'm a goddamn crossdresser!)

Obama has talked about change, and talked about how the people have to affect change. Bully for him. I'm with him completely on that. But, nothing is going to change until these crappy little shallow nothing stories are buried away for only the truly stupid to read.

We're faced with unemployment hitting 10%. (That's one out of every ten people not working for those of you who are deeply interested in who designed Michelle's dress.) Stocks have lost on average nearly 40% of their value from last year. We've already thrown billions and billions of tax dollars we don't have at banks and businesses that have pissed the money down their legs.

And you want to know "who" the First Lady is wearing? Please.

I suppose I shouldn't come off so harsh. If you're reading this blog in the first place, you're not among the sheep. But then again, considering how few people actually read this, it doesn't matter. This rant made me feel a tiny bit better.

D-Day

Today, or so rumor has it, I find out if I still have a job.

Or, at least, if I get to keep my job for a little while longer. See, I'm in an industry that is trying to kill itself. It's still viable, but the people who control it, are killing their golden goose.

And the industry scuttlebutt says today is the day they reveal their plans. Today. Inauguration day. No, it's not a slap in the face to the new administration. Rather, they hope no-one will notice.

Published reports indicate they're chopping 7% of the workforce. But, those same reports contradict themselves; they claim to know where the cuts are coming, and they claim to know the new direction the company is taking. However, if the latter is true, than the former is not.

I, and my immediate coworkers may be relatively safe, but I'm not counting on it. And even if they don't toss me out, I'm still going to lose some of my "family". Because that's what we are, even if we don't always like each other.

It won't be the first time I'm canned. The first time was during the last economic downturn, as Pres. Dubya took office. Ironic, no? In all actuality, I was let go a week before the election of 2000, and was so depressed, I didn't pay attention to who won, and who challenged it. I do remember traveling to Dallas, to look for work, stopping in a coffee shop between cold-calls, and seeing on television a Ryder truck escorted by police, media in tow, a CNN helicopter overhead. At the time, I wondered if OJ had gotten loose, and had hooked up with Tim McVeigh.

I think I'd rather be fired for incompetence than laid off. If you're fired for not doing a good job, you at least have the option to make yourself better. You can ask what the problem was, and work on it.

When you're laid off, it's for "economic reasons": things completely out of your control.

("Economic reasons" being shorthand for the CEO is only making $10,000,000 a year, and can't take a cut, even though their leadership may have contributed to the company needing to shed some fat in order to survive. "Economic reasons" meaning the board of directors is worried about the stock price day-to-day, instead of building a solid foundation for years of prosperity.)

But, there's nothing I can do about that. So, looking forward:

There's not much else in my field any more, because it's been gutted. There's not much else I can do. And even if the unemployment rate wasn't climbing to near 10%, there's not much else that interests me.

I guess that's the downside of loving what you do; hating everything else. I'm a job snob.

The line from "Say Anything" sticks with me: "I don't want to sell anything, buy anything, or process anything as a career. I don't want to sell anything bought or processed, or buy anything sold or processed, or process anything sold, bought, or processed, or repair anything sold, bought, or processed. You know, as a career, I don't want to do that."

So, that limits my options. And I'm getting a little old to join the army, that fallback for a tough job market. I've considered something like a professional advocate. You know, working for the NCTE or another group, but I somehow doubt their coffers are overflowing enough to hire new staffers.

But, something will turn up. It always does.

And besides, I am still employed. For a few more hours, at the very least.

I'm surprised it took me this long to stumble across this photo.

You'll of course remember this guy from 9/11:

And a host of other events:

I gots nuttin' ta say.

So, I'll blog. 'Cuz I know there's stuff on my mind. And hopefully, some of it will take shape in random words. Blog as Rorschach Test, perhaps?

I'm back from vacation. Drove a long time on Friday, had a late lunch with the ex-, drinks with a college buddy, and completely snubbed my t-friends in Omaha.

Saturday, more driving. Lunch with another college buddy, and then a family reunion.

And that was the template until Tuesday, when I drove home, and my trip started over: lots of driving, snubbing a t-friend in Missouri, and more driving.

One might think that after 15 hours on the road, I'd have some deep thought to share.

No. No more, no fewer than usual. Perhaps because I was focused on making a vlog of the journey. For my guy identity. Because the guy identity has been dominant lately. Very dominant.

For more than a month, probably going on two, Ronnie's been almost hibernating. Until Monday, I had a full beard. (Now it's a stylist goatee.) I don't know why. But, it drives me nuts, this going-back-and-forth thing, these pendulum swings: in the days before the this swing to the macho side, I'd been gung-ho about everything trans... to the point where I was considering hormones, and wondering how I could pay for electro, or laser.

And the reason I don't, or haven't done anything like going full-time? Because I know the man will come roaring back, with manly interests, manly pursuits, and macho pasttimes. (Okay, as a friend pointed out that while I'm hardly macho, it's relative.)

And I don't purge or take down my online presence because I know Ronnie will rise again. I can't figure it out. But I know I just want a little consistency.

There. Whaddya know. A blog.

***
Changing gear: we had all 17 members of the clan together, for the first time since the summer of 2007. Those nephews are cute, but damn, they're loud. And kinetic. Hard for adults to have any kind of meaningful discussion, when the parents and grandparents are constantly chasing little ones.

And now that I'm back home, and everything is in its place, I find that I'm missing them. Maybe not missing them specifically, as I do like quiet, but I'm missing the human presence. I'm finding it to be a feeling not dissimilar from the blues I get after a fun femme night out. And that just solidifies my theory on that: Just because you're depressed after a night, or a weekend with lots of good femme time doesn't mean you're TS. It just means you enjoy having fun.

This is what I mean...

The president-elect cast blame on "an era of profound irresponsibility that stretched from corporate boardrooms to the halls of power in Washington."

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/28555437/page/2/

I'm tending to think any kind of bailout or economic stimulus plan is bad news. Why prop up a system that has obviously failed? So it can fail again?

If the fat cats and Wall Street weasels want the economy healthy, then they need to dig into their pockets and spend some of their cash. Layoffs only mean fewer people to buy things.

In the news...

A German billionaire is the latest casualty of the economic crisis:
http://www.700wlw.com/cc-common/news/sections/newsarticle.html?feed=104668&article=4809382

Aw, poor guy. If there was only something we could have done for him. Like included Volkswagen in the American bailout.

But, it's not too late for us to save others:
http://www.700wlw.com/cc-common/news/sections/newsarticle.html?feed=104668&article=4810494

Good for them, I say. Larry Flynt doesn't need the money, and he knows it. He's just trying to draw attention to this sham.

Or, should I say "scam".

You see, an economy is considered healthy only if money is flowing. Changing hands at a frenetic pace. It's not doing that now. Why? Because most of the money is in the pockets of a very select few.

And what that select few doesn't seem to understand is that they can't make money if they've already got it all. Forgive me if I sound socialistic here, but the masses are tapped dry. We don't have any more to spend, and our credit cards are all maxed out. (Generally speaking.)

We sent all our money to the heads of the big corporation. We bought as much as we could, and then some. And instead of that money being redistributed through the salaries of many, the majority went to the few.

Now that the money well has dried up, those select few panic and lay off employees. Why? Because employees cost money. So, then we have even fewer people with money to spend. And how will the big wigs deal with that? More cost cutting. More layoffs.

Instead of trying to keep their companies and corporations healthy, CEOs and board are grabbing everything they can for themselves.

Want to revitalize the economy? Take that bailout money, and instead of sending it to the banks and the automakers, give it to us. It's ours in the first place. We'll use it to buy things. We'll pay off credit card debt. We'll invest it.

Voila! The dough flows and the economy chugs back into shape.

Of course, then we're right back to where we started from. For instance, did you happen to notice when gas prices leapt? Right as everyone was getting their last economic stimulus check. Speculators knew we could afford high priced gas, so they speculated the price of crude to ludicrous levels. What's to keep them from doing it again?

Nothing. Nothing but the realization that an economy can't function if only a few hold all the dollars. And sociologically speaking, that ain't gonna happen.

I don't know. I don't understand economics. If any of this makes sense to anyone, they're ahead of me.

A New Webisode

Head over to the Ronnie Rho Show page to meet Marianne.

Next up: Donna Rose.

Two Blogs in One! Party Pooper & Feedback

New Year's Eve was again a letdown. Oh, I went to a nice party, had some fun, but started getting the blues, so I left early. Alone. (I'm not whining. Just a disappointed eternal optimist.) I was home by 11:30. Poured a drink, popped an MST3K in the DVD player, and fell asleep in the chair, only to be awoken at midnight by fireworks. After which, I finished the drink, turned off the movie, and went to bed. My party-pooper-ness may be because I worked the early shift, and had been up since 4am, without a nap.

This morning though, I had committed myself to doing a polar bear plunge. That's where you jump in ice cold water for good luck/good health for the rest of the year. I don't believe submersing myself in frigid liquid will affect the future, but I went anyway, just to say I did it.

I did it.

And it was colder than you can imagine. Unless you've been swimming in water that's about 35 degrees, Fahrenheit. Or colder. But, it was fun. If that's the right word. Afterwards, the group I was with went out for a warm lunch and beer, and the conversation was lively and entertaining.

I really, really enjoy human interaction lately. And am finding myself less connected to the online world. Simply because face-to-face is so much more gratifying. Online, I feel like I'm typing into a void.

This springs from a conversation I had with D. Shellhammer the other night: Where's the feedback? We both agreed there isn't enough. We both produce "content" on the web, and find there's less and less reaction. (Again, not whining.)

Maybe my time at Yahoo 360 spoiled me, for there was plenty of feedback there. Or maybe not. I've been writing for TGForum for nearly 10 years now, and the comments and reaction from articles there are few and far in between. So, perhaps, it's just the audience.

My theory is that there are consumers and producers. And those who consume, don't produce. Of course, the producers may consume, but, once they become consumers, they cease to produce. Case in point: I read a lot of blogs here, but rarely comment.

I sense that I'm rambling, so let me end with this: The reason I publish content on the Internet, (be it blogs, videos, or even photos) is for comments, feedback and reaction. Otherwise, I might as well just keep a spiral-bound journal underneath my pillow.

You'll note the title of this blog. Anyone looking for deep thoughts would probably skip reading this entire entry based upon the first paragraph. So, I cleverly hooked you in, with a promise of more than just a "slice of life" entry. Did it work?