Goin' Charles Whitman

I live on the 8th floor of an apartment building downtown. Not much of a view actually, because there's a building right next door blocking pretty much everything.

Generally, I like living downtown. Except on nights before I work early the next day. For you see, those nights are loud. Any other night of the week, downtown is nice and quiet. I can leave my windows open because all I'm going to hear is the passing traffic.

But if I have to get up early the next morning, the bar below me erupts. Pretty young people somehow know I'm trying to sleep, and stand outside yelling "whooooooooooo!!!!"

I work early Sunday morning, so I try to get to bed by midnight. The bar is quiet until then. Matter of fact, it's pretty quiet on Thursday and Friday night. But Saturday night, about bedtime, the hotchicks and the douchebags come outside to smoke, and to yell "whooooooooooo!!!!"

The bar hires an off-duty cop to stand outside, to deter fighting and whatnot. I can watch that cop pacing back and forth on the sidewalk, calculating how much they're making for the night at $30 an hour. I know the cop is doing this, because he/she isn't doing anything else. There's no "hey, kids, keep it down." whenever the kids come out of the bar to yell "whooooooooooo!!!!"

At least once a month, and only on Saturdays, there's a special DJ brought in for a special party night. This performer is hired to set up his speakers so they're pointed out the doors. And up towards my apartment. In one sense I guess it's good, because when the DJ is there, I can't always hear the "whoooooooooooo!!!"s over his "It's Britney's birthdaaaaaaay! Happy birthday, Britneeeeeeeeeey!"

I swear, one day, I'm going to get a 30-06 and just start picking them off as they stand outside, yelling. "Whooooo-BLAM!" "Whoooo-BLAM BLAM!"

When you read the headlines "Young, Pretty People Mowed Down" "When the Whooo-ing Stopped" "P&G Now Hiring to Replace Victims of Sidewalk Massacre", you'll know it was me.