From TGF

Reposted from Transgender Forum:

We couldn’t wait till the new year to open the doors to TGF so this week we ask you to register again using the registration page that will be available on the first page of TGF. (It will be a link that says something informative like “Register.”) When you register you will be able to update your email address (if you have been registered with a tgforum.com address you need to get a Yahoo or gmail address) and you will automatically be a registered TGF reader for 10 years. For free! And, you can tell all your TG pals that they can stop by at tgforum.com and register too. No more problems with telling a friend how cool some post on TGF was and then having them tell you they couldn’t view the page. They have no excuse now — it’s free!

And then, once you've registered, be sure to read my column from October 25: I hate transsexuals. (This is where I do most of my writing.)

Pride

Cincinnati's Pride event, now named Cincinnati Equinox, moved from the Northside neighborhood to Downtown, on Fountain Square, this year.

They also planned it for July 4th this year, so it wouldn't compete with Columbus, Louisville, Indianapolis, etc.

A straight friend of mine loves going to Pride. (Largely so we can make snarky comments.) I wasn't going to go, despite it being about 3 blocks from where I live, but he talked me into it. He also convinced me to go dressed.

And like with all times I get gussied up, and when I go to Pride, I'm always glad I did.

We didn't stay long, because it was hot, my lashes came off, and my feet were hurting. (We walked the 3 blocks, then limped home.)

The concierge in my building was very complimentary, although I think I looked like crap.

My friends from Hamburger Mary's.


One balloon you won't likely see in the Thanksgiving Day Parade.

Jessica Dimon, Cincinnati's reigning DQ, and a competitor in the first season of RuPaul's Drag Races. Met her for the first time last night at Hamburger Mary's. Very nice gal.

Why the purple hair? Why the club wear? I usually go to Pride events and dress down a bit. It's an effort to present the trans "community" as something normal, non-threatening, not strange. We're not (all) perverts.

Well, the hell with that. I wanted to have a bit of fun, and maybe get a bit of attention. If people don't like us, they're not going to change their minds no matter what I wear. Besides, why should drag queens have all the fun?

So, yeah, there were a lot of straight people trying to be discreet as they took my photo. But you know how t-girls are. We can hear a camera at 100 yards.

More importantly, to the fears I've felt about walking out of my apartment, being seen in public, the hell with you. I'm getting too old to be afraid. If someone doesn't like it. Tough. Even went into the Walgreens to get some smokes.

I know, I know. For most of you, this won't be a big deal, but after my outing scare last January, it was huge for me. Besides, it's a sick irony to be afraid about getting seen on the way to Pride.

Hi, I'm Ronnie

And I'm a hermit.

(Hi Ronnie.)

I've found myself either pushing people away lately, or just avoiding human contact as much as I can.

I broke up with an amazing woman, because, well, I got irritated when she was around for too long. I don't go out much anymore, if I can help it. (That covers both gender identities.)

Although, I was invited by the boss to a guys' night out last weekend, for an evening of an ultra-violent movie, beer, and poker. (To my surprise, I walked out with $25 I didn't walk in with.) It was a good night, but I only went because I couldn't find a sufficient excuse to ditch.

The reason I'm ducking interaction? On one hand, I'm tired of meeting new people and being disappointed. There are so many crazies out there, and they all seem to find themselves in my general vicinity. On the other hand, I'm shy anyway. (Although that may be a symptom and not an actual disease.) I don't have the patience for small talk. Either give me something to chew on, or move along with your discussion of what happened on "Dancing with the Stars." On yet another hand, there's a part that's afraid my Ronnie life will surface somehow in an otherwise innoculous conversation with those outside the know. (Ridiculous and lame.)

But let's cut to the crux of this rambling...

Gender identity. Yet again. (Or... is it?)

I've done some dressing and photo-taking, and bad photo-shopping over the last two weekends; the first since... December? New Year's Eve? Just said the hell with all the excuses for not shaving my legs, and not shaving my goatee, and did it. (Did it big time, if you care.)

It felt good, it felt nice. It let off some steam. But it didn't cure this overall anxiety, this angry ennui.

I'm happy to report that I didn't come out of it thinking "oh, I need to be on hormones, I need to be full-time", as sometimes happens.

So, let's drop the "gender" from the earlier declaration of what the crux is...

That leaves us with "identity".

And I don't feel comfortable with any which I've adopted. (And to be honest, what I've tried to construct online probably isn't much closer to the "real me" than anything portrayed in real life.)

Yeah, I don't know who I am. I don't know what I am. (The whole TG thing probably just complicates rather than causes.) I don't feel like I have anything I can hang my hat on. It's probably been exacerbated by the '08 divorce, and my dumping of my GF. I always feel like I'm defined more by whom I'm around. And now that I'm avoiding people, well...

I dunno, maybe no-one feels like they know who they are. Maybe I'm just whining. Probably just thinking about it too much. Need a project. Need something substantial, that's also almost a sure thing.

I produced a project for RiffTrax over the last few months, and now, I'm afraid to post it, because I'm afraid of the underwhelming response. (Kinda like the Ronnie Rho Show.) I may be happy with it (them) but apparently what I have to offer isn't what the market is interested in.

Here's a thought: The album "Flood" by They Might Be Giants is 20 years old this year. Sorry, but one of their tunes just came up on random, and that's been floating in my mind lately.

Really? Could this be simply a mid-life crisis? I am knocking on 40. Could I just be looking back, wondering what I've accomplished over the last four decades, and questioning the worth of my existence? Yup.




I should probably find myself a good therapist, but I'm not in a financial positition to spend money on someone who simply listens to me ramble. I can do that for free online. (And yes, here I am, nearly 40 and a couple of paychecks away from bankruptcy. But I try not to think about that.)

Where was I?

Oh, I got onto Twitter, from my guy personae, and was pretty well received, based in part upon my occupation. In fact, the following was so encouraging, I briefly considered reinventing this blog as one from "him" with more of a local angle, as those seem to do well in this market. But, I got in trouble at work, because I was tweeting so much it was distracting from what they pay me to do. Since then, I've essentially abandoned Twitter. That may have contributed to this anchorless state I find myself in. And truth be told, while I really, really liked Twitter, (it lent itself well to my bon mots), I haven't missed it.




Ummm.... run out of steam. So let me end with this: I'm drinking heavily 6 nights a week. Smoking about a pack a day, and I'm supposed to run a portion of the local marathon this weekend. Not good.

An Andy Rooney Moment

Ever notice how when people say they're going to blog more often...

They don't?

Happy 2010

I'm hereby resolving two things: to write more often, and to worry less about whether or not anyone reads it or not.

You'll note I used the word "write" instead of "blog". I was a prolific blogger previously, at Yahoo 360, in part because of the feedback: I got jazzed on all the responses. They were verification, affirmation. And one big reason I didn't do much with this thing was because the response wasn't what I expected/anticipated/needed.

Yeah, I'll admit it: I need others to shore me up, because I'm not all that impressed with myself.

So, anyhoo... in short: A blog is something I do for others, writing is something I do for myself, but am willing to share with others.

**********

A quick overview since my last entry here, in case you're curious:

It's been a snowier winter than usual here, and I wish I could blame this despair I've been feeling on the weather, but, alas... winter here is still much milder than what I grew up with.

In January, someone tried to ruin my life by outing me online; someone who found out both my professional life, and my T life, despite my best efforts to keep the two separated. I pulled back and shored up my defenses in response. After a discussion with my boss, I'm happy to report I'm safe at work. (Go see my column at TGForum from a couple of weeks ago for the full story.) And John Q. Law is working on my side to track down the "anonymous" culprit who perpetrated the offense. I was pleasantly surprised to find the law, especially agencies like the Secret Service and FBI, are taking a bigger interest in online stalkers and menacers.

So, on the off chance the faceless, cowardly, bully happens to find this: Better be looking over your shoulder. We already know who you are, we're just laying the groundwork to prove it to a neutral third party. (A judge)

I did mention despair, didn't I? Oh yeah...

A couple of weeks ago, I woke up wracked with it. I lay there rather hoping I'd have a heart attack and just die. (You'll note I failed at that.) Don't know where it came from. (It wasn't from the stalker. Believe me.)

Since then, I've kept it at bay by distracting myself as much as possible. It's still there, hiding in the shadows, and it peeks through in my interest in post-apocalyptic fiction, I think. I've been reading a lot of novels, and crappy paperbacks, and watching zombie films and Mad Max flicks galore. And I think the attraction is because the underlying theme in all of them is survival, and rebirth: Get away from the status quo, and rebuild, hopefully in a better way.

(I'm rambling, and I don't care, as this is for me. Not you. You can read if you'd like, but you are not my audience. Don't mean to be rude, but that's that.)

I'm 39 years old. 40 is supposed to be the year of the midlife crisis, right? (Let's ignore the fact that I declared having a midlife crisis in my 20s, and later heard from a psychic that I would die at age 42. Because that's just bullshit.)

Anyhoo, another recurring theme in my life for the last couple of years has been "where did I go wrong?"; reviewing those turning points, those junctions.

But, let's get something straight too: I don't have an awful life. Things aren't terrible. A lot of people have things much worse. It's just that... I dunno.



Okay, bored with this.... but let me sign off with this line that's been rolling around my head lately. (I've got a Twitter account, and it'd be perfect for there, only I'm too lazy to log on.)

I finally know what I want from life: A do-over.