You'll note I used the word "write" instead of "blog". I was a prolific blogger previously, at Yahoo 360, in part because of the feedback: I got jazzed on all the responses. They were verification, affirmation. And one big reason I didn't do much with this thing was because the response wasn't what I expected/anticipated/needed.
Yeah, I'll admit it: I need others to shore me up, because I'm not all that impressed with myself.
So, anyhoo... in short: A blog is something I do for others, writing is something I do for myself, but am willing to share with others.
A quick overview since my last entry here, in case you're curious:
It's been a snowier winter than usual here, and I wish I could blame this despair I've been feeling on the weather, but, alas... winter here is still much milder than what I grew up with.
In January, someone tried to ruin my life by outing me online; someone who found out both my professional life, and my T life, despite my best efforts to keep the two separated. I pulled back and shored up my defenses in response. After a discussion with my boss, I'm happy to report I'm safe at work. (Go see my column at TGForum from a couple of weeks ago for the full story.) And John Q. Law is working on my side to track down the "anonymous" culprit who perpetrated the offense. I was pleasantly surprised to find the law, especially agencies like the Secret Service and FBI, are taking a bigger interest in online stalkers and menacers.
So, on the off chance the faceless, cowardly, bully happens to find this: Better be looking over your shoulder. We already know who you are, we're just laying the groundwork to prove it to a neutral third party. (A judge)
I did mention despair, didn't I? Oh yeah...
A couple of weeks ago, I woke up wracked with it. I lay there rather hoping I'd have a heart attack and just die. (You'll note I failed at that.) Don't know where it came from. (It wasn't from the stalker. Believe me.)
Since then, I've kept it at bay by distracting myself as much as possible. It's still there, hiding in the shadows, and it peeks through in my interest in post-apocalyptic fiction, I think. I've been reading a lot of novels, and crappy paperbacks, and watching zombie films and Mad Max flicks galore. And I think the attraction is because the underlying theme in all of them is survival, and rebirth: Get away from the status quo, and rebuild, hopefully in a better way.
(I'm rambling, and I don't care, as this is for me. Not you. You can read if you'd like, but you are not my audience. Don't mean to be rude, but that's that.)
I'm 39 years old. 40 is supposed to be the year of the midlife crisis, right? (Let's ignore the fact that I declared having a midlife crisis in my 20s, and later heard from a psychic that I would die at age 42. Because that's just bullshit.)
Anyhoo, another recurring theme in my life for the last couple of years has been "where did I go wrong?"; reviewing those turning points, those junctions.
But, let's get something straight too: I don't have an awful life. Things aren't terrible. A lot of people have things much worse. It's just that... I dunno.
Okay, bored with this.... but let me sign off with this line that's been rolling around my head lately. (I've got a Twitter account, and it'd be perfect for there, only I'm too lazy to log on.)
I finally know what I want from life: A do-over.