Monday, January 30, 2012

Know what I hate?


It just drives me out of my mind. And that's what's bugging me about me right now.

Maybe I'm the only one who deals with this, but it goes as such:

I'll go for weeks, months even, where I'm convinced I need to do more with my gender identity thingy. Get dressed more. Get out more. Maybe even see about hormones. Maybe take those first steps toward full time status. Or at least come out of the closet.

And then, poof: The whole cross gender spectrum variable identity dealio vanishes, and I'm, dare I say, butch. Manly, even. Let's go shoot something. Or bench press a Chevy V8.

Or, the other way around.

And it's not just gender identity, either. It's sexual identity too. I want a boyfriend, I want a boyfriend, I want a boyfriend. I'm gay. I like man-on-man. Oh... wait a sec. Nope. Girls. Women. That's what turns me on. I just need to find the right person with a set of great double X chromosomes, and everything will be okay. Ah, but, hold on, t-girls. Yeah! That's the ticket! I just need to find another someone like me. Or, no. Even better. We should both be post-op, or at least headed in that direction. Then, I'll have found happiness.

But, I know deep down inside, that no matter how strong the desire, the attraction, the feeling is, it's only temporary. It'll pass in a while, and I'll feel just as strongly about something completely different.

Fine. I get it. Well, I don't get it, but, I'm not making any plans for anything or anyone, because my interest level will likely change, shift, before too long.

And it's getting tiring: For instance, several months ago, I recommitted myself to a life of near solitude. That is to say, I fully accepting living the rest of my life alone. No romantic entanglements. (The whole no-one-night-stand thing has been a standing order for a few years now. There's one consistency.) I was fully prepared to spend the rest of my life solo. Lots of friends, but no lovers. I kinda like being by myself. Doing what I want to do, when I want to do it.

But, wouldn't you know it? I'm starting to get the urge to find someone. To share life, laughter and love with. And I'm afraid to go after anyone, to get involved, because I know this too shall pass.

So, what to do? This all surfaced because tonight I checked my Flickr page ( for well, what I check Flickr for: hits,views, comments, friending, other people's pics, etc. And after a few minutes, I realized I didn't care. There was little interest in any of it.

Now, usually, I can spend hours on Flickr, looking, reading, commenting, looking. Looking. Looking. But tonight... eh.

I took a few days off, away from the computer, away from Flickr, away from gender identity related thoughts. Did guy stuff. Well, nerd stuff, anyway. And I came back only to have an "eh" feeling.

It'll return, I'm sure. Eventually. But right now, everything inside me just says "eh" to the whole transgender scene. (Well, maybe not everything. After all, I'm posting here.)

Why? Why the violent, I don't want to say mood swings, but I will, why the violent mood swings?